learning to journey

T'was the month after Christmas...

2012-01-10T12:04:00.002-07:00

T'was the month after Christmas and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring...... except Grandma!

So here we are into the new year. And life is back into a routine of sorts. I am not sure how to best describe Christmas. It would seem to me that it just gets better and better as the years go by. I guess we are establishing some traditions that are just that, traditions. They may not make sense to anyone else but these 'habits' have just become part of how we spend Christmas.

When 16 people spend three and a half days together there are times when the noise level is quite high! Thankfully Grandpa pulled the trampoline into the shop, found the old bike and trike, the scooter. He conscripted help to give the shop a good sweeping/wash down and also built a humongous sand box inside the shop. The seven played for long periods of time in the shop and outside even though there was very little snow with which to create anything! Warmth made it pleasant to be outside.

Parents cooperated even though the clothes were full of sand as well as the hair. I know that more than once these kids endured a vacuuming before being allowed out of the shop! Parents also made meals and helped with clean up every day. We had some great homemade soup, noodles made from scratch with great toppings and the traditional pizza for Christmas Eve supper. Yes, we feasted!

The day that everyone arrived Grandpa took a nasty spill out of the back of the pickup when a strap that he was pulling broke and sent him flying onto the ice beside the truck. Nothing was broken but he is still very sore and it did put a damper on his Christmas.

I saw examples of love and grace within the tribe. I heard 'I'm sorry' more than one time. The one that stood out to me was when the 3 year old came inside and called, "Dad, I broke your snowball maker. I am sorry". The answer: "Did you mean to?" "No". "That's okay". A simple example of God's love. He doesn't rebuke and blame but accepts our regret and pronounces forgiveness and acceptance.

Confession: a good friend told me to wait until after Christmas to clean the house! I listened to her, did a quick vacuum here and there, cleaned the bathrooms (except in our own bathroom) before hand. So, last week I hit the upstairs, then the basement and by Friday night I pronounced it DONE! Okay, the sewing/laundry room will never be 'done' but it feels good to have some corners cleaned out and a bag of goodies for the thrift store!

Now what! The list of things to do is long and time will tell if anything gets accomplished in the month of January.

Happy new year everyone!

Christmas menu

2011-12-03T14:01:00.003-07:00

When the question was put to this Grandson as to what he would like for Christmas dinner at Grandma Karin's house, this was his response:" a big fat turkey, potatoes and corn".

my question: "do you like mashed potatoes?"

answer: "no".

Would someone please remind me to not mash all the potatoes this Christmas? I truly want to please all appetites at our Christmas feast....

a happy song

2011-11-26T07:59:00.003-07:00

I read "For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty saviour. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song." Zeph. 3:17

Then I looked up, out the window at the eastern sky. It was an incredible sight of light and colour. To me that is a "happy song".

In the midst of all the doubting, all the pain around me, all the hurts I see and all my fears I still choose to believe......

I am off!

2011-11-03T19:25:00.002-06:00

Off to visit the grandchildren, two different families, six grandkids! How good is that! How fortunate am I to be given the freedom and the ticket to go.

But I looked into the laundry/ sewing room today and thought 'what if something happened to me while I am away? What would the John Deere Salesman do with all this mess?' And I am not exaggerating about mess! It truly is a disaster. But anyone who quilts will understand how it is when one starts five or more projects, then thinks of other possibilities, piles fabrics together for something else, and so on.

So you quilting friends please, please, PLEASE rescue my fabric if you hear of my demise.

A new day

2011-10-23T09:56:00.002-06:00

As the sun came up this morning I watched those big hills (the Rocky Mountains) on the western horizon. The sun was poking through the clouds and shining on the snow. The dark blue of the blue Canadian Rockies combined with the brilliant white of the snow was pretty spectacular, again!

Then I thought of the news report this morning, how the earth had shaken in Turkey, how, in minutes lives had been turned upside down, literally. Loss of life, families torn apart, loss of 'stuff', gone within minutes.

I thought too, of the phone call the John Deere Salesman had this week from the daughter of a friend from years gone by. She wanted us to know that her Mom had died this week. Mom had gone to the doctor regarding a continuing gall bladder issue. He told her she had 24-48 hours to live. She did not make the 24 hours.

Life in my corner of the world is incredibly easy and peaceful compared to so many places. May I be thankful for the new day that I have. May I live in this moment and remember what really matters, what really is important.

I have no title...... :)

2011-10-06T15:41:00.003-06:00

It began as any other day. I don't get in much of a hurry in the morning, taking time to enjoy my coffee and watch the rising sun. Tending to be a procrastinator, I continued to meander through the morning until the clock reminded me that I had a lunch date, a 45 minute drive from home. So of course I did my usual scramble and thankfully remembered the birthday gift that I was taking.

By the time I came home in the afternoon I was doing the mental list of all the things that should be done, most of them not pressing but just a bunch of stuff that I thought was needing attention. Then the John Deere Salesman called and asked me to go with him to move equipment. Hhhmmm, what about my list? I went and enjoyed the beautiful afternoon. Next his question was , "would I go for a quick fly to see how harvest was going?". Of course I would go but that was when the guilt started kicking in. The 'list' became longer and more pressing in my mind. I told myself I had done nothing all day. I am lazy. I don't accomplish anything.

All of a sudden the thought came to me: instead of thinking about all the things I didn't get done why not think about what I did do. Yes, most of what had happened wouldn't be measured in cleaning, cooking, sewing etc. but there was good time with people I care about.

It was not a huge revelation but it has helped me to deal with the inadequate feelings that plague me, feelings that I don't 'do' enough. Somehow thinking of what I did get done instead of what didn't get done brought a freedom that I had lost that day.

I think of my friends with full/part time jobs as well as families, friends with little people at their feet, in their arms all day long. There is a saying "a women's work is never done" and yes, I suppose that is true. But today, instead of thinking of what did not get done, think of all the things that did get done whether it be reading the same book to your toddler, rocking a sad baby half the day, making pancakes for supper instead of some complicated casserole.

Sometimes we set the bar waaay to high and need to be kinder to ourselves.

Now I think I will just go to my very messy laundry/sewing room and dream about another quilt project or maybe sew a seam or two..........

experiment

2011-09-15T14:59:00.000-06:00

I have added another blog. I have not been that regular in regular 'blog land' so who knows how long this second blog will last. But I shall give it a try.

Hope you enjoy!

Accepting

2011-09-08T08:53:00.000-06:00

I have been doing much pondering since the last post. It hasn't been all good. Found myself floundering in sadness, melancholy, pain. I sent a long email to a couple telling them the many, many reasons why I don't like the end of summer, the onset of fall. I could come up with quite a list!

Yesterday I 'heard' , not in an audible way but still 'heard' "Why do you keep holding on to these things?". Good question!

This morning I looked up the verse that says "forgetting what is behind" (Phil. 3:13). I don't think that means to ignore, to try to blot out but maybe to not 'camp' on the past, to not find identity in the past.

I truly don't wish to become an old lady who only recalls the pain, the difficult times. And my pain is rather trivial compared to what others deal with!

So.... I trust I can have have a new outlook on this season. There is such beauty to enjoy and so much to celebrate. I have so much for which to be thankful. That is where I want to live.

Hangin' on!

2011-08-31T12:58:00.000-06:00

I have both hands and feet braced against the 'door frame' of summer, holding on, resisting and moaning about having to enter the next season. I realize the calendar says fall or autumn begins later in September but once I have to turn the page and read "SEPTEMBER" I know that it is here.

August was a glorious month of sun and warmth. We had time with 5 of the 8 grandkids and their parents. We had the joy of sharing the excitement of 3 of them seeing the Rocky Mountains for the first time. The memories are treasures to enjoy in the months ahead.

Family from Michigan spent time in Alberta, the first time in three years. For little people, 7 and 6, three years is a long time and there have been a lot of changes. Good visits, conversation, a ride in the airplane with the JD Salesman Uncle all made it special for us.

But, BUT, BUT now it is the inevitable with shorter days and cooler weather.

I need to turn the page in my mind and accept reality I guess.

and one more...

2011-08-02T06:14:00.000-06:00

.... makes 8, that is EIGHT grand children, six girls and two boys.

Lucy Kruse was born on July 5, smack dab between the birthdays of both grammas, one being July 2 and one on July 7. Lucy is her own person.

The trip to Manitoba was quick, hot, humid but so worth it to meet this little lady and see the rest of her family as well as her aunt, uncle and cousins.

We are so, so blessed........

Who has seen the wind?

2011-05-25T10:58:00.001-06:00

..... that is the title of a book by W.O. Mitchell, writing about the life of a boy in Saskatchewan. Good question! and I would add: who has smelled the wind, tasted the wind, held it one's hand, examined it under a microscope. But the effects of the wind are very visible to say the least. Watch the news, look at a newspaper, look out your window and all of us see what havoc the wind can cause. But there is so much 'good' about the wind. Who does not enjoy a breeze on a hot summer day. If you own a sail boat you appreciate the wind. The wind pollinates various crops/ flowers. In mosquito season humans and cattle alike are grateful for wind.

I still don't like wind. In fact a couple of weeks ago when the wind blew day and night I was rather resentful and depressed by the wind. But I know there is 'good' to be found in all things.

I read recently how Jesus described the Holy Spirit to the wind. We don't see the Spirit but he is working anyway. At times we see the results if we pay attention but many times I miss the good or take it for granted.

'who has seen the wind......'?

spring time water

2011-04-12T13:24:00.000-06:00

It would seem to my brain that spring is so painfully slow in coming this year. I did quite well through the darker months of January and February being deprived of sunshine but once March appeared on the calendar and then April with the totally covering of snow as well as dreary, foggy, snowy days I have been on this downward mental slide. I thought that once the sun started to shine and the snow STARTED to melt I would be bright and cheery, ready to tackle anything!

But no, I am fighting to keep my head above water!

Speaking of water......( a different form than what I was referring to in the above), we are into our springtime form of amusement! Are we, the JD Salesman and I, getting so old that we are entertained by spring runoff? Or is it the days-gone-by, having lived in a part of the province where every bit of moisture was treasured that makes us enjoy watching the coulees and streams as they fill and overflow. Whatever it is we have been taking evening drives to survey the melting snow and the flow of water. It really is quite spectacular when we take the time to check the lay of the land, the coulees, the ditches. Last night was particularly impressive. It seemed as though a number of culverts had just broken free of ice because the water had run over the road in many places. We stopped regularly and listened to the sound of the rushing water. It didn't have the same affect as listening to the ocean in Mexico but we still enjoyed it.

The JD Salesman keeps making the effort to check the level of water in our dugout which is at the far end of our quarter. He took the tractor out the other day but was pushing heavy wet snow so he came home. Then it was the Gator but to no avail. The snow is still too deep! And so he waits.......

And I wait too but not to check the water in the dugout. I wait for the cloud to lift from my brain, my mind. In the meantime, I continue to find great pleasure in my sewing room as I finish quilting projects and start new ones.

(how did I get from water to quilting? who knows and what does it matter!)

Politics!

2011-03-29T09:38:00.000-06:00

We are barely into the first week of an election campaign and I can hardly listen to the news. Maybe I have my head in the sand, maybe I don't care enough. Maybe I just wish there wasn't so much smearing and slandering.

I hear so much about a coalition. WELL, I have my own theory about a coalition. There is one, that is for sure but I have my own idea of who makes up the coalition. It plays out like this:

Mrs. Harper strikes me as a quiet, gentle soul. She hails from small town Alberta. Sometime earlier this winter she and her husband were invited to a royal wedding. Can you imagine? Whether one is a monarchist or not it would be a once-in-a -lifetime opportunity to go to a royal wedding.

So..... Mrs. Layton ( yes, I know she goes by her maiden name so this is not politically correct) and Mrs. Ignatieff are jealous. They really don't want Mrs. Harper to be able to go to this wedding. Now we know that women 'control' the nation (???) don't we???? So Mrs. L and Mrs.I join forces and tell their husbands to get with it, create a ruckus, do anything to keep Mrs. Harper from going to this wedding. Hence, the non-confidence vote and the election being called for on May 2. The wedding is on April 29 so there is no way the Harpers will be able to attend.

So that is my theory. Why else would the Liberals want an election when their ratings are so low!

p.s. to previous post!

2011-03-26T15:03:00.000-06:00

I ended the last post in a hurry!

I meant to add that I will never write a book with 'my' story so for now I shall continue to blog and share some of what I experience, what I have learned, what I am learning. I want to be honest, to be real. Sometimes I find that difficult especially when I know it may grate other people or expose a part of myself that I would like to hide. The quote by Buechner was an encouragement to keep at it!

here's to blogging!

Stories to tell

2011-03-22T11:57:00.000-06:00

I am not a consistent blogger and at times I think 'quit'. I 'write' posts in my mind but these often stay in my mind! Sometimes it is because I fear putting my thoughts out there but often just because I don't get around to it.

I enjoy so many, many others who share thoughts and ideas, tell interesting stories and bare their souls. I have cried over adoption stories, laughed about lizards, felt empathy for young Moms and the struggles of holding it together. I read list of thankfulness, personal challenges for fitness and weight. I am encouraged to try new ideas in quilting. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the expertise of quilters and threaten (in my mind) to quit! And then I take a class from a blogger and am encouraged again. I am following the writings of a young man who is graduating from university and then taking his doctorate as well as being a Dad, blogging about Libya, the frustrations of well meaning NGO's and then a recipe for pecan ice cream. I just finished reading "The Help" a book recommended on a blog. ( By the way, it is one of those books that made me feel like I actually knew these people!)

I think what has encouraged me to keep blogging, even though it may be sporadic, was this quote from a favorite author:

"My story is important not because it is mine, God knows, but because if I tell it anything like right, the chances are you will recognize that in many ways it is also yours. Maybe nothing is more important than that we keep track, you and I, of these stories of who we are and where we have come from and the people we have met along the way because it is precisely through these stories in all their particularity, as I have long believed and often said, that God makes himself know to each of us most powerfully and personally. If this is true, it means that to lose track of our stories is to be profoundly impoverished not only humanly but spiritually." Frederick Buechner

The challenge to me it to 'tell it right' to be authentic, honest. Sometimes it is difficult to be open and vulnerable. I appreciate those who are......

take a look.....

2011-03-17T08:30:00.000-06:00

http://alteredzones.com/posts/1065/mark-templeton-scotch-heart/

Kyle has been working at 'film' for quite a few years. He doesn't talk a lot about it, at least not to his parents! We did get a glimpse of what he does at the Epcor Centre in Calgary last fall but recently he sent the above link. I don't know the musician, which is no surprise! but I do know the man who did the video!

Take a look! We are proud of this son!

The "clothes" I wear...

2011-02-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

"His faith was not a seamless garment but a ragged garment with the seams showing, the tears showing, a garment that he clutched about him like a man in a storm."

I read this description of an author's seminary professor named James Muilenburg. The picture took on life in my own experience as I thought of the doubts, the fears, the questions that I have finally allowed myself to acknowledge in the last few years.

Then I thought of the other 'garments' that I wear. I thought of the shining, white, perfect gown that I have carelessly put on trying to cover who I really am. I am not referring to the gown of righteousness that I believe God would want for us. I am talking about pretending that I am better than the next person, comparing my goodness with another's and believing that I have it together, well, wanting to have it together. I don't really like this garment that I create for myself.

But in my mind I see another covering. It is not really that beautiful to look at, the colors are not vibrant or especially attractive yet it feels like the softest wool that has no itch! But I see myself wrapped totally in it, warm, safe, comfortable. At this stage of my life, at this time of my life I seem to be able to spend a little more time here, resting, relaxing and enjoying God's love.

Yes, there are days of coldness, wearing a torn garment. I don't feel the need to cover that with a fake 'whiteness' as much as I used to. But the sense of being loved and actually enjoying that love makes me wish to spend more time there.

disclaimer: don't take my metaphor too seriously or try to make it cover too many areas! I know it is not fool proof or very sound theologically! But it has been a real encouragement to me in this leg of the Journey.

a mother's treasure

2011-02-01T18:16:00.000-07:00

This young 'miss' is so eager to learn to read, to write. She is four years old.

But she is also very independent, wanting to accomplish tasks without help. So she made a card for her mother on her birthday, written phonetically. This is what it said:

MOME

SISIS FOR FRUM JAE

Her Mom says she will treasure this card and I understand her thinking.

sounds of comfort

2011-01-07T18:52:00.000-07:00

There is a Christmas song that has a line "tidings of comfort and joy". This led me to thinking of some sounds of comfort. Sounds that soothe, sounds that bring joy, sounds that satisfy my heart.

- the tick tock of the 100 year-old school clock hanging in our home

- the chiming of the grandfather clock in the night when I wake up and don't feel like opening my eyes to check the time. Yes, we have many, many clocks in this home.

-the 'stomp stomp stomp' of the JD Salesman's feet as he arrives home each day. This one is beyond soothing. It brings such joy and a settled feeling of comfort.

- the furnace coming on in the morning as I turn up the thermostat. All my growing up years were in a home with a coal heater to keep the house warm. I appreciate a dependable gas furnace.

- the 'pad-pad' of little feet coming up the stairs in the early morning when family is visiting

- the 'Hi Mom' on the phone when one of the three or their spouses call or I call them

- the sound of the vehicle when I turn the key. When it doesn't happen for some reason I realize how much I have to be thankful the many, many times it does start. I take it for granted so often.

- the whistle of the kettle boiling in the morning. Coffee is coming ! and I like my coffee......

- the 'quiet' when the wind does NOT blow

Not exactly profound but I am choosing to see the good, to enjoy all that I have. We are so, so blessed in this country, in this part of the country. I sometime complain about stuff that doesn't matter, about weather ( how unproductive is that!) and all manner of other things. remind me of my list when you hear me complain......

January 2011

2011-01-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

How can this be, another year passed! The Christmas season over again for another year. To me it seems fitting to celebrate together with family as a new year begins. Somehow making those family connections brings a stability before facing the rest of winter and new territory.

Christmas was different for the JD Salesman and me. We celebrated with my siblings and some of their adult children. Quiet with a small group of 'old people' together! I would apologize to my niece and nephew for calling them old but they are less than a decade younger than I am so they will be included in that category. On Boxing Day Mr. JD and I ventured to Cross Iron Mills to check out what this shopping experience was all about. I really doubt we will try that again any time soon. It was amusing and a little sad. I looked around and wondered how we could possibly consider that our country is experiencing economic problems. I wondered how we as a people could be so consumed with 'stuff'. Do we worship things? Do we really think all this will satisfy? Maybe that sounds judgmental but I don't mean it that way. I had to talk to myself as I wandered around and remind myself of what I was there for, clothes for a baby gift, for coming birthdays and not to buy just because it was on sale!

Back to a more pleasant topic..... family. They began to arrive on the evening of the 29th, driving over miles of ice and barren sanded roads. A record time for one family driving from south of Winnipeg but oh they looked weary! After a good night's sleep we were ready to enjoy the season. The last family came late the next night and tucked sleepy kids into the beds made up on the floor.

So many memories were made. We celebrated new years with gift giving or merry new year or just a late Christmas. Seven beautiful grandkids, excited and full of energy playing dress-up, cars, table games with the adults and outside in the cold and in the shop where Grandpa had put the trampoline along with other toys. Meals prepared together, each family taking a turn to make a meal. Santa came on New Years day this year and now we are down to 2 grandchildren who are still in awe and wondering who this Man might be! The memory of those two standing and looking up at him, waiting for their turn to get a gift will be one to make me smile for a long time!

I loved the early morning cuddles with the grandson who came upstairs before anyone else. He sat on my knee and whispered all kinds of things including his scary dream. Then two more little ones came to sit at the counter and eat their breakfast. Gradually the other sleepy faces would appear and the days would begin. It can get rather noisy with 15 people milling around the kitchen table. But it was happy noise as Grandma sugared up each one.

I could go on and on because there are so many happy things to think about and this is a good way for me to add them up and mull over all the goodness we enjoy.

Lest I give the impression that it was perfect I will be quite emphatic that it wasn't. The JD salesman spent a day in bed with a bad back. He was in tears with the pain at one point. One Mama spent New Years day in bed with a raging flu. She was such a brave soul sitting through all the opening of stockings and 'under the tree' gifts without letting anyone but the Papa know how crummy she felt! There were misunderstandings, hurt feelings and some time outs for small people. Grandma put herself into a timeout once or twice. She snarled a few times at the JD Salesman! But there were no out and out wars that destroyed the good time together. I am thankful that all chose to set these differences aside and see the good, make the best of what is good.

When the last vehicle left the yard in the dark yesterday morning we stood in the doorway and cried. I muttered 'why did we have kids?' a question that comes out of the sadness of separation. The paragraphs above tell a little of why.......

Last night as I lay in the darkness, in those very few minutes before I fell asleep I thanked God that each family had arrived safely at their destination. And I thank Him too for this family that we are blessed with, that we enjoy together.

More..... winter wonderland!

2010-12-12T15:16:00.000-07:00

Caraganas

2010-12-07T17:23:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that we who live on the prairies of Western Canada have this 'love/hate' affair with caraganas. I know that years ago many were planted in fields all over these flat lands to stop soil erosion. They did a great job but after awhile they become unruly and dominate the landscape. But we love them! Well, some people don't and I read that those that don't in the Outlook SK area have been removing miles of them much to the chagrin of the general populace.

When we first moved to this part of the world we decided to get rid of these lowly bushes. But for some reason we changed our minds. We have trimmed a few, getting rid of the older growth and where we did make an attempt to 'destroy' we have a nice hedge of fresh growth. Yes, they are tough!

But after the days of fog last week I realized how gorgeous these dry old sticks can really be. I marveled at the beauty and tried to capture some of it. Pictures don't do it justice but I will share a few anyway.

Besides, I am learning a new camera, my early Christmas present!

November 16: Wallace Armstrong

2010-11-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realize that today is the 17th but yesterday brought back memories of 15 years ago...

It was a typical Alberta November day; overcast, cool, threat of snow. The JD Salesman ( then the JD Farmer:) ) and I decided to take a drive to the city. His Dad and Mom were there having traveled from small town BC to the Foothills hospital. Dad was having more problems with his heart and this was the closest place for treatment.

We went expecting to have a good visit with both of them as they waited for possible surgery. But when we arrived we found Mom sitting alone. Dad was in surgery that day for bypass surgery. So we visited, met people who were also waiting and Mom comforted and prayed with a lady whose husband was also in surgery. The afternoon became long. I was uneasy. Then the doctor came looking for Olive Armstrong. He told her they were having problems, Dad was not breathing on his own. The strength and calm of my mother-in-law is something I will always remember. The doctor said they would try again. Mom said that he wouldn't want to be an invalid, to have half a life. She said she trusted God for him. There was no drama. Just calm.

I have no idea how long it was until the doctor returned and said "I am sorry. We did all we could."

Mom and her eldest son went to see the shell that was once a husband, a father, a grandfather. I will never forget the loud sob that tore through my husband......

In church the following Sunday we sang the song "My Jesus I Love Thee". Later that day Mom said that the line about "death-dew lies cold on my brow" is true. She saw it. She felt it.

Dad was a kind good man who believed he was a child of God not because of anything he could do but because of the grace of God. He lived his life holding to his beliefs and principles of obedience to God. His generosity touched so many lives and Mom told us that when he said he thought they should give to someone she always agreed having learned that Dad heard God when there was a need that should be met.

He never quite recovered from the grief of the accident that took the life of his oldest daughter and her oldest son ten years earlier. Something died inside and he was never quite the same. And yet, a softness moved in, emotions were acknowledged and hugs were accepted more readily.

To me it was a tribute to a good man when our youngest grandson was named Beck Wallace.

Words of Wisdom

2010-11-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I should qualify that..... Words from Maxine.....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those that matter, don't mind and those that mind, don't matter".

I am a strong supporter of Maxine-isms ........ hey it IS Monday isn't it!

It's a small world

2010-11-07T23:28:00.001-07:00

Yes, it's a small world after all and I am not referring to the Disney song!

We were invited to a birthday party this afternoon, the connection being the man's interest in flying. Now pilots have a culture of their own and one of their events is to attend "fly-in breakfasts". This is where the JD Salesman and the honored Birthday gentleman met. So the next time we hosted a breakfast this Birthday gentleman was invited and was a faithful attender there after.

So that sets the stage for the story I wanted to relate.

I went because I am the wife of the pilot. I have met the family that was honoring their Father but only at these breakfasts where I am busy cooking and not really doing much visiting. So I KNEW that I wouldn't know anyone. I would just be there.......

Well, one of the other guests had gone to university with the honored Guest and we discovered he had relatives who had lived in the community the JD Salesman was raised in. Not only that but this man's parents were a couple that my parents used to talk about! The communities involved are spread over Alberta, Valley Center, Delburne, Lousana, Youngstown. When I asked him about his wife I learned that she had been in grade 2 with me oh so long ago! She had only attended my school for one year and I had always wondered what had happened to her.

So, one never knows who one will meet when one attends a birthday party.

All this seems rather boring as I relate it now. But it truly was fun to connect with Sue. And besides, I can't seem to get to sleep tonight so I thought I would ramble a bit.

The wind is starting to blow and the forecast is for possibilities of flurries or rain. I would sooner have sunshine tomorrow. But, hey, it is November and we haven't had any winter yet! I best not complain!

How does the weather relate to my title? It doesn't but it is waaaay past my bedtime...... and I don't think I can take responsibility for what I might type after 10 p.m.

Presenting......

2010-11-04T21:31:00.000-06:00

I am rather pleased to announce our son's accomplishment. After rejections from various publishers and then much 'blood, sweat and probably tears', Kurt has his first book in publication.

Because of my ineptness with computers I don't know that I have the best picture of it for you but such as it is.....

publisher's website is where you can learn more about it.

Yes, we are pleased and proud.

Sunrise in October

2010-10-22T15:17:00.000-06:00

Looking back I realize I focus a fair bit on sunrises and the changing seasons! Oh well, maybe I am easily entertained as I get older!

But from our 'vantage point' I do see number of sunrises and these do mark the changing seasons. In the midst of winter, when there is the least amount of sunshine I am usually 'on with the day' when the sun comes up. In June, on the longest day I am not about to observe the rising sun! I am blissfully ignorant of the hour of dawn! But in the spring and fall I am often having my coffee and toast as I sit in my chair watching the sky. And these days it is spectacular without a doubt.

Sometimes I think about the earth turning, wondering how many times it has gone around one whole revolution. I think about the fact that there are no bearings or axles or gears to wear out. I realize the earth is probably 'wearing out' but the fact that it never changes course, never speeds up or slows down really intrigues me. Maybe I am just easily awed!

The sunrises also make me wish I was a painter, an artist. I look at the layers of color, the blend of colors, the random scattering of clouds that constantly change shape and color. I take pictures sometime but even that doesn't really tell the story. Actually, a sunrise is just one of those things one has to experience and observe to get the full impact I think!

So, as your busy day starts, take a few minutes to just watch the sky and be enthralled with the beauty before and as the sun peaks over the horizon. You won't be sorry and it just might remind you of the wonder of life.

Thankful for life

2010-10-13T17:48:00.001-06:00

Last week was a week of tragedy, of grief. Two funerals to attend, two young men, both 21. Circumstances hugely different, both in life and in death. But at Thanksgiving I saw in a fresh way how thankful I am for life, for the ability to get up each morning, to experience what each day holds. Some days are pretty daily, regular, ordinary. In fact, that is life.

I don't have much else to say but I will share a picture that in its simplicity reminds me to be thankful for life.

Credit for the photography goes to the Father of these two!

My Mom

2010-10-03T20:51:00.000-06:00

Today, October 3 is my Mom's birthday. I don't always remember so I am not sure why it dawned on me today. It was 25 years ago last May that she died and today I miss her. Not the gut wrenching sorrow that came when she died but I just miss her.

I was only 34 when she died and I feel as though I didn't really "know" her. I was too busy being a Mom myself, lived far enough away to not see her that often and never knew that I was not getting to know her.

She came to Canada from Denmark, in her early 20's, to marry her high school sweetheart. That 'sweetheart' had changed or else she had changed and she knew right away she would not marry him. I wonder now what went through her mind when she recognized that she would not be getting married and here she was alone in a new country! I will never know....

She worked for the Ostergard family in Dalum for a number of years before meeting Dad at the Danish-Canadian club in Calgary. She never talked a lot about those years but when she did it was with such positive, happy memories. Mom was not always a positive person so it must have been a good experience! We are told that she was known for her horse riding abilities in the hills around Wayne and Dalum. I wonder, I wonder...... I will never know.....

Farmers

2010-10-03T15:51:00.000-06:00

I am the daughter of a farmer. In our 'other life' the JD salesman and I were farmers. Well, I was the farmer's wife! I didn't do a lot of actual farming especially in the years of babies and toddlers. But later I did get to run the combine a few times and would move machinery when called upon. I made huge mistakes, plugged the combine, closed the wrong gate when moving cows late one hot summer evening, got the pick-up stuck in the huge puddle..... etc.

Back to the main point: farmers.

I think I understand a little of what they deal with, weather: machinery, CWB, price of cattle, fertilizer prices, spray prices, weather, falling grain prices, did I mention weather???? But it is interesting how different farmers deal with all these things.

After one especially dry winter the snow was falling. The JD salesman pointed this out to a farmer who was complaining about the lack of snow. "Yes, it is snowing," he said "but it is such a dry snow." Oh my!!!!

This has been an especially challenging year, weather-wise, for the farmers in Alberta. But some choose to see the glass half full. Like the one who told the Salesman the other day that the wheat is only feed grade but the good thing is there is twice as much of it! After ANOTHER shower went through the other day a young farmer said ''Maybe tomorrow .......'' with a big grin.

I think it is the same in whatever 'profession' one is involved, even mothering.... how will I choose to view the obstacles that are in the way.

So to you farmers and farmerettes out there..... happy harvest. See the good, enjoy the good and view life in the fullest way possible!

By the way, we are thankful to not be farming any more. It was great when we were in it, a great life to raise a family. We want other people to keep farming but we are getting too old for the pressures and the time involved.

Now what will I say about JD salesmen in a few years.......

This really has been a random post!

Does God make sense?

2010-09-27T18:11:00.001-06:00

Recently the sister of a friend was killed in a head-on collision on a highway near her home. She was 50 and she and her husband home schooled their 3 boys. Beyond tragic....

A friend mentioned that it was one of those situations that are talked about in the book "When God Doesn't Make Sense". I think I understand the author's point but I ask, does God ever make sense?

I believe God created a perfect world, perfect and indescribably beautiful. Then he made people with free wills and we see the 'rest of the story'. There is greed that hurts people and greed that is making many places in the world very ugly. Tell me, does God make sense?

Then God asks/tells/sends his son out of heaven into this world as a human being to live like a pauper and die like a criminal. Does that make sense to you?

Quite honestly, I don't want God to make sense to my small minded thinking. No, that is wrong, I often wish God made sense to me but that is when I want to be in control. But then how could he be God? If I trust God, believe that he is good, that he is love, that he loves me then he doesn't have to make sense to me. I simply need to trust. I don't have to figure out what "it or IT" is all about.

Okay, now I admit it. God does not make sense but most of the time I know he loves he and some of the time I actually believe it.

Rainy-day FALL beauty

2010-09-21T17:39:00.000-06:00

Autumn or Fall

2010-09-21T16:45:00.000-06:00

So, is this time of the year autumn or is it fall? This is my blog so I will tell you what I think!

Autumn is something that happens in New England or in Ontario and Quebec. It is this romantic, Martha Stewart kind of season with the 'cooler' days, the gently falling leaves that are every wonderful color that we could imagine. It is the season of carefully planned decorating inside and out with pumpkins, corn stocks, sheaves of grain. It is wonderful aromas of cooking apples, pumpkins and acorns. Autumn just slides into the preparations for the holiday season of Thanksgiving and Christmas with a gentle sprinkling of snow to accentuate the wonder of the season.

In Alberta the bottom FALLs out of summer and we are preparing for the onslaught of winter. We haven't had any days that could be classed as warm, we go from cold to colder to coldest. The leaves are whipped from the trees in winds that take your breath away and many times there is no chance for enjoying color because they are frozen and turn black or brown in early September. The lack of sunshine, well, it tends to make me grumpy and tired. We expect snow at any time and the rain helps make the farmers sad and grumpy too. Then there are the memories that still make me teary, the memories of taking the adult children to college two provinces away. It broke my heart every time it happened.

Okay, I am over reacting. Yes, fall is not my favorite season of the year. But this year I have resolved to see the beauty. And yes, this year the colors are amazing! Even the grasses along the side of the road are red, yellow, orange and healthy brown. I am looking for things to be thankful for and the list is very long.

So..... it is fall for me but this year I choose to see the good.

Part of the journey....

2010-09-16T10:34:00.000-06:00

On impulse or was it because it cost only $1 I picked up a novel at a garage sale. "Catherine Wheels" by Lief Peterson is a better read than I was expecting.

Last night as I was reading this popped out at me: ".... if we insist on understanding everything, we'll never get it. We need to simply do our best to live into it, and accept that we may never know what it all means."

I realize I may be reading into this something the author never intended but it fits what I have been thinking about a whole lot over a long time. I think I am learning that I don't have the answers for a whole load of questions but instead of making up answers or feeling guilty that I can't come up with the answers I am learning to leave it, learning to' live into it'. Ignoring and pretending 'it' doesn't exist is as troublesome as making up an answer that is no answer but in learning to 'live into it' I am finding answers, maybe not to the original question but answers. Sometimes it is acceptance, sometimes a different way of thinking, sometimes more questions but there is a learning and a growing, a trust in the goodness of God and a goodness in people.

Sometimes the process is dark and heavy, sometimes it is lonely, sometimes I despair but over time I come to see that IN all things God works for our good.

Monday morning

2010-09-13T13:00:00.000-06:00

It is a cool, well, more than cool but not quite cold Monday. This morning it was raining, gently but raining and that means dreary. It is a perfect day to make stew in the crock pot. Besides that I have agreed that this afternoon I would take my sister and her visiting friend from the US to a coffee/antique spot that I discovered.

The meat was browned, the vegetables cut, the tomato sauce added and now the highlight: beautiful carrots from the garden. I don't plant much garden and after a vicious hailstorm a month ago there wasn't much left except these carrots. They are so long, straight, tender and sweet this year.

On with the coat, garden shoes, gloves and off to the carrots. WELL and again I say WELL! Was I in for a surprise. My wonderful carrots are more than half gone! Who would take my carrots? No, not who, what......

I had been told by Meralee that coyotes dig carrots but I had never seen it until today! They dug them up and ate the whole shu-bang! Some where hidden under the cosmos and the hail beaten tomato plants so we get to enjoy a few. I was more than incensed! but once that wore off I had to chuckle at all the tops strewn around and all the tracks. I am sure the whole extended family enjoyed the feast.

Oh, well, maybe next year we will have another good crop of carrots. But next year I will be prepared and will see to it that we don't have to share with the coyotes!

Vantage point

2010-09-07T09:20:00.001-06:00

Living on a hill does bring advantages as well as disadvantages! A negative is experiencing gale force winds that have been known to remove the trampoline over the 4 strand barbed wire fence and into the neighbors caraganna hedge. But a positive is enjoying the amazing clouds, the changing sky, sunrises and sunsets that are beyond description.

Here is a sample of some summer cloud formations.

The first two are of a system that we watched for about 30 minutes, wondering what might happen. Nothing seemed to develop on the ground but Ron was mighty glad he was not in the air at the time.
The last picture was another day, another system that seemed to be building in the north, looked rather nasty but soon moved off to the east.

Can't say that we are storm chasers but we are able to be sky watchers. It is beautiful and amazing, every day another scene to enjoy......

We live in an amazing country.....

Reading

2010-08-23T13:27:00.001-06:00

Our son and daughter-in-law are instilling a love for reading, love for books into their two children. Wonderful children I might add! Really wonderful..... if you would like to know more about them and their 5 wonderful cousins I would be glad to tell you all about them!

But back to reading.....

Actually a picture tells the story better than my words.

This is how her parents found their four year old in their bed one night last week, sound asleep with the book pressed on her face.

Note the book's title.....

August Family Weekend Memorial!

2010-08-13T13:01:00.000-06:00

I did it! I found a way to post a picture! Thanks to #2 son for his tutoring......

Anyway, here is the inukshuk

Silence

2010-08-13T09:19:00.000-06:00

After six months of silence.....

It isn't that life has not been full, that there has not been lots to comment on but somehow it has never been translated into words on a blog. I have barely any entries in my journal either. I follow a number of blogs and so enjoy them! Maybe that is one reason I don't post, I don't think I have anything interesting to post!

I think one reason for the silence has been a grief , one that affects so many people. How do I deal with it? How do I be honest but not condemning? So silence is sometimes the best way.

But there have also been so many joys to enjoy. The celebration of my 60th birthday with the whole family! I felt so loved, so honored. I celebrated for a couple of weeks with friends and most of all with family!

Then there was the family weekend at Grandma and Grandpa's place! Such a memory building time with a trip to Drumheller and one to Calgary Zoo. The huge inukshuk in the yard stands as a memorial to a great family time.

Now it is time to get ready for a weekend of camping, something we don't do enough! The morning is rainy but the forecast is for sunshine eventually so I shall believe that will happen. Before we know it there will be time for snow shovels and Christmas preparations!

Up cycle

2010-02-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

I keep finding these projects I want to try. Found an article on cloth paper so now I have bags sitting in my sewing room to collect those bits of fabric that I hate to throw out but that are too small to sew anything with. Then I looked up felting. Off to the local thrift shop for wool sweaters. I closed my eyes to the fact that these sweaters are perfectly good to wear and then dumped them into the washer with hot water and an old pair of jeans. After a day of washing and drying and washing and drying I have felt. Now, what will I do with this felt? Good question... but if I put this into print maybe someone will hold me accountable.

I have some ideas and then I wonder "what will I do with these creations?" "who would want them?"

But I am having fun and I am beginning to believe that maybe I do have some creativity in me. And part of the 'fun' is using what is available without spending a lot of $$$$$. I have a daughter-in-law who inspires me and her example of re-cycling and up-cycling encourages me to try new ideas.

But don't ask to see the sewing/laundry room! What a disaster! I get an idea, pull out the necessary 'ingredients' then move on to something else without putting anything away.... I must improve in that department........

And then of course there are meals to make, only for two but he does need some food! Off to the kitchen..........

Listening

2010-02-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the Bible it talks about the need to become like children. I had that reminder recently.....

While visiting a family the parents of a 3 year-old told us about her dream. She told her Mom that she dreamt that God talked to her about not being afraid. She also said that God knew her name. I don't recall all the details about the dream but there were 2 things that I continue to mull over and over.

First, she knew it was God talking to her. I did a little looking this morning and found verses in John 10 that talk about the sheep knowing the voice of the shepherd. Way too often I forget or overlook the voice of the Shepherd. I don't 'hear' a loud audible shout but I know I can hear a quiet, gentle voice in my mind. Yes, sometimes it is only my own thoughts, but when the words are loving, encouraging, gentle why do I over look them as God.

Second, there seemed to me to be a sense of awe or wonder that God knew her name. That is a humbling thought for me too. I get whiney, demanding and overlook the fact that God knows me personally. He knows my name. I want to be in awe of that.... to believe that and trust Him.

A little child shall lead them.....

Thank you "Dad and Mom" for telling us about this moment. I have really benefited from hearing it!

Like my mother....

2010-01-26T21:35:00.001-07:00

While I was emptying the dishwasher tonight I pulled out 2 spatulas, and I thought about my Mom.

Mom was more than careful with what she had. She was so frugal and made do all of her life. She had one spatula. By the time I left home I don't think it could be called a spatula any longer. Actually it was always called the "rubber scraper". But there was only ever one 'rubber scraper' and in time it was actually 'a wooden stick with some rubber around it'. (it was obviously better rubber than we have now on the cheapey rubber spatulas!!) How could it ever have scrapped anything? And because it was the only one and used for everything it was discolored and brown. It was clean. Mom was very careful with 'clean' but it was an interesting shade of brown.

When we were married we had a rubber scraper. I don't know if it was a wedding gift or if I bought it but we had one. After a number of years I came to realize the monetary value of a rubber scraper. So why the heck did I only have one and why the heck was it just as discolored and worn as my Mom's? I made a decision to: 1. have more than one rubber scraper and 2. throw them out when the rubber was cracked and broken!

I often wonder what sort of things our Daughter will realize she has been doing/is doing because 'that is the way Mom did it'! I hope she can smile and do it differently .......

a long day

2010-01-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why it has seemed like such a long day! I swear it felt like it was 30 hours long! Maybe the post-Christmas blues have hit. Maybe reality has hit. Maybe ......

I finally finished the basement. If repair men weren't coming tomorrow to work on the boiler I doubt I would have been that ambitious. It seems that unless I have myself some incentive I can procrastinate for a very, very, yes, very long time. The after Christmas laundry has been done for over a week but I don't like making beds for some reason so the clean sheets have been sitting on the beds, waiting. And then there is the vacuuming. But now it is decent, even the bathroom.

I actually accomplished quite a bit today, didn't sit around feeling lonely or bored but it was a long, long day.

And now people are coming for care group.

I wonder what tomorrow will be like.........

Twenty ten

2010-01-05T11:18:00.001-07:00

I understand 'twenty ten' is 'the way' to speak of the new year. Not quite sure when I started to care about 'the way' of speaking......

As I wrote the Christmas letter in December, I commented on how quickly 2009 had passed. Later I discovered that this was basically the same way I began the letter of 2008! I hope I come up with a better way to begin a letter at the end of this year. But it does seem that the older I get the quicker the years go by.

A new year has often found me melancholic and contemplative. Some times I have been downright depressed. I still remember and can still feel the night of new year's day 29(?) years ago. I had suddenly realized that was the year that our first born would begin school. I began to grieve 8 months before anything happened. No wonder I found life difficult at times. I kept carrying burdens that no one, not even God expected me to carry.

I continue to learn to live by faith, to accept the present, to enjoy the moment. I continue to believe it is a lifetime process and will experience ups and downs in that process. I was reminded recently that eternal life is knowing God, knowing Jesus. (John 17:3 I think!). Eternal life is qualitative and not quantitative. Well, I realize that there is eternity sometime, somewhere but sometimes I am less sure of what that means too. More need for faith I think!

And so I wish you eternal life in the coming year. That sounds rather weird but somehow I think that is exactly what I want for people, not a head full of knowledge but a "knowing" of God and a "knowing" of what it means to be his child.

New year's day, 2010? I don't really recall one contemplative thought! We went to see "The Blind Side" which did bring some 'thinking'. We both enjoyed it and for us, to BOTH enjoy and no one sleeping !!! it was a good movie. Not profound but a feel-good story based on true life. After that, we had a meal at the Keg thanks to a gift certificate from friends and were home by 6! Yikes, we are getting old.

Imagination

2009-11-07T08:57:00.001-07:00

I have had the chance to visit all of our children/grandchildren in their homes in the last month. Grandpa was there for visits with two of the three families. I guess one of the many advantages of being a Grandma is having the time to just observe, I don't have to worry about all the concerns that come with being the parent.

One thing that brings such enjoyment is the imagination of all the "Seven". It is such fun! They all have their own stories, pictures and thoughts.

One to share: I was holding Jae and Beck, telling them stories about themselves and then about the three little pigs. Jae hopped off my knee, started into a tale of her own, climbed back up, put her hands together and opened them, palms up with the command "Read it".

My response was for her to read the "story". She was still insistent that this was up to me so....

I still have some imagination too so I told her the words were to small. That seemed to satisfy and off she went to do something else.

2009-10-22T21:16:00.001-06:00

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you." Frederick Buechner "Telling the Truth"

I thought about trying to say something about this quote and realized how feeble it would sound.

I guess I do want to say it affected my mind, my heart and reminded me once again how relationships are so incredibly important both with family and friends.

God has given me so many, many amazing relationships and I am humbly thankful........

A sunrise and thoughts

2009-10-01T18:12:00.000-06:00

I watched an amazing sunrise the other morning. I am sure I don't need to mention that the days are certainly getting shorter, the sun rises rather late compared to a couple of months ago! But that is not the point .....

I watched the clouds, the colors, how they continually changed, moved and were more and more magnificent. Then this ball of gold started peeking over the horizon. It was awesome! My thought was how can I possibly take it all in, how can I enjoy this to the full. I knew there was no way to really capture the moment.

Now my next thoughts are rather corny I know but I thought, this is how I sometimes feel about my grandkids. They are changing, they are magnificent, they are moving and growing. How can I possibly enjoy them to the fullest extent?

And sometimes I get so "desperate" about making the most of my time with them that I don't enjoy the moment, don't appreciate the moment.

Seems to me I am continually learning about living in the moment, enjoying the moment.

And so the journey continues.....

Thinking....

2009-09-13T09:43:00.000-06:00

Somehow I grew up being suspicious. Suspicious of other denominations of churches, "other" political parties, other nationalities. The church we went to was a small, non-denominational mish-mash of believers but..... somehow I "knew" that "we" had the corner on "truth". As an adult when I voted a protest vote for a party other than the "right" one I remember a sense of guilt as though I had somehow "sinned"! My parents were immigrants from Denmark so they did not pass on a superiority about nationalities and yet.......

Where this all came from I am not sure. I don't remember my parents telling me what to believe and telling me who was right or wrong. I keep mulling all this over in my mind, wondering where this kind of belief system comes from and I wonder if it is from not thinking.

When I don't think for myself, just believe what I hear, what I am told , what the "experts" say then I get swallowed up in all sorts of half truths and untruths. I do think my parents felt a sense of inferiority because of their lack of education in this country and then relied on the knowledge of the "experts", didn't allow themselves to question. That included all sorts of people: doctors, our school teachers, the "right" preachers who followed the "truth". But as I look back, my Mom was a bit of a rebel inside. That side didn't show itself very often but I heard hints of it here and there and an thankful for her understanding as I grew up.

Move ahead to life as a parent. I read so many books, tried to follow the advice of "experts". It depressed me! I couldn't measure up! One of the last books I read on parenting was something like "A Mother's Heart". That was when it began to dawn on me that maybe that was the key to parenting, from the life within me. I asked God one time (never expecting an answer!!) "why did you make me a mother?" In my mind I did get an answer, one I will never forget..... "that is the only way you will learn to depend on me". That was probably a baby step in heading towards believing that I actually could depend on God, that I didn't have to just "try harder".

As the parenting progressed and these kids began to ask questions for themselves I think I started to allow myself to think too. (sometimes I wonder if I learned more from my kids than they learned from me!) But it is probably only in the last ten years or so that I have really allowed myself to question and then live with the possibility of either no answers or answers that don't fit all that I thought I believed.

I started reading a book a couple of years ago and put it down because it certainly did not fit with the theology I was taught. Somehow I was afraid to keep reading. I read it this spring and realized again how narrow I can be. I also realized that I have limited God in so, so many ways. Did I really think I would somehow be "damned" for reading a book? Where is my faith anyway? In someone's opinion or in God? Sometimes I get so discouraged with myself and my brain and my faith and my attitudes and........

Maybe I should just go spray some weeds and plant some bulbs.

I remember son #1 saying one time that he was thinking so much and his head hurt, not a head ache but it just hurt. That hasn't happened to me very often but recently I have been having head hurts and I think I understand.

Then I wonder why on earth would I put these thoughts out there for other people to read? I may hit delete and then again I may not! 'Cause what does it matter anyway.....

Conversations

2009-07-15T12:18:00.001-06:00

This morning as I was wandering the yard, spraying those pesky weeds, I was thinking about a conversation with someone recently. She said that people 'visit' about three subjects: people, things and ideas.

Initially my thought had been that I prefer to talk about ideas but the more I mulled this over I realize that is not altogether true. With friends over supper last night we talked a lot about people. No, we didn't gossip about lives, we talked about her aging parents, the choices they have to make, about her almost adult children, the adult children, their plans, their careers. I told her about the wonders of grandchildren, about the events of their lives.

The men also talked about people, the events of the past that have shaped their lives.

We talked about things: gardens, homes, vehicles we have to drive, the men discussed farm machinery.

And in the midst of that we talked about ideas: struggles, joys, ways we learn and grow as people, as parents, as children of our parents and children of God.

Then I thought of how each of those topics can turn negative and can be harmful to myself and others. Talk of people can become judgmental and self-righteous. Talk of things can lead to jealousy, discontent, pride. Talk about ideas can do the same, make me judgmental, proud, self-righteous, discontent and sometimes angry. Well, maybe a little anger can be good! Gets me motivated to action sometimes,

So now that I have made the round with the Round-up and dandelion killer...... I have come to the not-so-profound conclusion that my conversations about anything can be positive or negative. One level of conversation is not 'better' than another. But it is so encouraging to participate with someone else when you discover you are 'on the same page'.

Thanks to all those great people with whom I can talk and share ideas about most everything, who will listen to the latest story about the grandkids and will talk about quilting or flowers or cooking or how to avoid cooking........

July 7

2009-07-07T10:49:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I was wondering, 'how did my Mom feel, what was she thinking 59 years ago'? Today is my birthday and I cannot get my head around the fact that I am one year away from 60! Yes, there are times when my body tells me I am definitely not 30 or 40 but 60??? And I look at these adults who are our children, at these 7 young people who call me Grandma. They certainly are evidence of my age..... but still, how did I get to be this old?

This is certainly a reminder of the fact that life is short, that "stuff" and "things" don't matter very much.

So, what shall I do with the rest of the day? I told Ron I was going to do "whatever I want!" And I guess that is what is happening. One sister brought fresh cinnamon buns for breakfast. The other sister just called for a long visit. Three grand daughters and their mother called with birthday wishes. And so the day has begun very well.....

And since it is almost noon and I am still in my housecoat I think I better hurry up so that I can "do whatever I want" with the rest of the day. I may just go shopping...... probably won't buy anything, but I can shop anyway. Women will understand that concept!

Oh, yes, a beautiful card greeted me this morning along with a birdbath for the yard. Bless my dear Ron.....

A movie

2009-06-07T15:48:00.000-06:00

I say, "a movie" because the movies I watch are so few and far between. It is not that I don't enjoy movies but we seldom go to see a movie in a theatre and if we do we usually have to phone one of the kids and ask what to see! I never get around to checking the TV schedule to find a good movie and when it comes to renting one, well, I rarely bother.

But in my recent trip to visit family our daughter-in-law invited me to watch a movie with her. The next day I told her I couldn't get it out of my mind, I kept playing it over and over. So I recommend "After the wedding". I cannot tell you much about it, actors, producers, etc. except that it is Danish and maybe that was part of the intrigue for me. After all my blood is pure Dane. So there are subtitles which make it a bit harder to follow.

But the whole story could have turned any which way at any point. It was totally unpredictable. It also revealed to me some of my pre-judging of people, my prejudices. I am thankful for the many methods that reveal more the "me" that needs redemption.

And it gave some good conversation with my 'kids'.

Here they are.....

2009-06-03T14:19:00.000-06:00

may long weekend found the Grand Children and the grandchildren altogether in one spot for a time.

One of the parents shared this photo with us....

How they managed to get them in one spot for that long I am not sure.

Grand Children and Grandchildren

2009-06-03T14:02:00.000-06:00

Yes, they are all grand....

Earlier in the month I visited the Edmonton family and last weekend it was the two families in Manitoba. Ideally it would be great to have them all closer, well, ideally for us! But then there would be no reason to take a road trip for a few hours or take a flight over Saskatchewan. So one finds the good things to enjoy.

And enjoy I do! The hugs, cuddles, the story reading, playing on the swings, watching the dance class as the 3 year-old learns the 'moves?', watching the oldest girls in their first dance recital, listening to the early morning singing of a 2 year-old boy, the mischief in the eyes of those 3 youngest ones..... it is all good!

And then there is the pleasure of conversation with the grand children, all 6 adults. I am not sure how to find words to express my thankfulness. And I am so proud of them all.......

By the way, in case I give the wrong impression, none of them are perfect but that doesn't change my love for them and I see them loving me in return in my imperfections as a mom and grandmother.

Teresa of Avila

2009-05-21T07:36:00.000-06:00

I don't claim to know anything about Teresa of Avila. (I could learn something I guess......) but I discovered this poem and because it struck a cord with me, I would like to share it....

LAUGHTER CAME FROM EVERY BRICK ( Teresa of Avila)

Just these two words He spoke changed my life,

"Enjoy me."

What a burden I thought I was to carry-- a crucifix, as did He.

Love once said to me,

"I know a song. Would you like to hear it?"

And laughter came from every brick in the street and from every pore in the sky.

After a night of prayer, He changed my life when He sang,

"Enjoy me."

....... I seem to be reminded at various levels, in different ways to live in the moment, seize the day, enjoy God.

musings

2009-05-09T08:56:00.000-06:00

We drove around the country side last night and I am continually surprised at our surroundings. I guess we live on the "prairie" but somehow, after living in the dry land of eastern Alberta, this seems like amazing topography. There are coulees and valleys, creeks and sloughs, steep banks, rolling hills. We watched the geese, the ducks, listened to the meadow lark. Mind you, we still found banks of snow and it is almost the middle of May!

I really do love living here and am so thankful for not only our "home" but our life. We mused about "what would it be life for us if we had not moved here 9 years ago"....... and the conclusion was that we have new life in more ways than one.

My response is thankfulness. I wish I knew how to best express that gratitude.... I am glad God can see my heart.....

"The lights of home"

2009-04-16T13:10:00.000-06:00

Dad had been taken by ambulance from the nursing home 15 miles away to the local hospital. His heart had slowed down, I was told when I arrived. He was having trouble breathing. "Why don't they just let me go?", he asked me. "Dad, it is only oxygen that they are giving you. No "life saving measure, just oxygen so that you will be more comfortable."

He was transferred to a semi-private room to be observed for a couple of days. My older brother and I took turns staying with him and it was during one of my stays that he awoke from a nap, lay there quietly and then said, "I had a dream. I dreamt I saw the light, the lights of home. But then I realized, no one was there." He was quiet, peaceful with his thoughts.

I never asked him, why didn't I, which "home" he was seeing.

Was he thinking about his home in Denmark, the home he left in his early 20's to come to Canada, to be with Pete his older brother? Dad never saw his parents again. By the time he and Mom returned to Denmark forty years late, my grandparents had been dead for many years. Dad gave me the wallet that his mother had given him before he left Denmark. His Mom told him to fill it with money in that new country. The wallet was always flat, very skinny through the years. Wealth isn't always measured by the thickness of ones' wallet.

Or maybe Dad was thinking of the home where he and Mom had lived when they were first married. They had a chicken farm on the banks of the Bow River on the then, "out skirts" of Calgary Dad spent many days away from home working for the CPR, part of the crew building the Kicking Horse Pass in the Rocky Mountains with brother Pete. That left Mom to sell the eggs, driving the Model A up and down the streets of the Mount Royal district. She told me how she stalled the old car once and had to back down 14th street right into someone's front yard.

There was the home Dad built in the bush, east of Red Deer , in the Hillsdown area. Having no money for lumber or nails, Dad cut down the trees for the log walls and made dowels out of saskatoon saplings to hold the whole thing together. On Christmas Eve, that first year living there, a blizzard started, the cold was coming through the cracks in the walls. So Mom made a paste of flour and water and papered the inside of the house with newspaper. In the summer she planted morning glories, hops and all kinds of flowers and vines to cover the shabby building, making it beautiful, as only Mom could.

Then there was the home I knew as the youngest of the family. This one was in the Pine Lake area, the Bellgrove school district. Now the kids wouldn't have to walk 5 miles to school. It was only 2 miles across the fields. This is where Dad became a farmer, he and Mom raising 5 children, planting trees, spruce, pine, elm, maple and apple, a variety of fruit bearing bushes, a big, big garden and so many flowers. The trees provided shelter for "home", a small 2 story house over a dirt cellar. It was heated with coal heaters until a number of years after I, the youngest, left home. Central heating and indoor plumbing made things more comfortable for Dad and Mom.

After Mom died, it was still "home" for Dad until he moved to the Lodge when he was 90. He cared for his home, his garden, learned to cook, learned to make applesauce. There was enough applesauce for him to eat it every evening for 9 years! He made jam in quart sealers instead of

nice little "jam" jars. It was a more practical was for his liking. After that he gave away pails of apples, gallons and gallons of strawberries and raspberries for others to enjoy. He couldn't bear to waste anything.

At 94 Dad moved to the nursing home. His mind was clear but his body was worn out. The nursing home never became "home". He was thankful for the care, loved it when we visited but it was not home.

Twenty days before his 95th birthday, Dad went home. I know that when he saw the lights this time, they were bright, clear and , I know, "Someone" was there to say "Welcome, so glad you are here." And Mom may have added, "What took you so long?"

It's a-coming, part 2

2009-03-19T15:23:00.001-06:00

just skimmed through previous posts and noticed my pessimistic anticipation of the coming of winter. Now the mood is different as I see the hope of spring.

FINALLY the temperature is on the plus side of zero, the sun is higher in the sky and more warmth is penetrating through to us, the snow is beginning to melt and yesterday the horned larks were flitting around the rock garden and announcing their return.

Winter has seemed so very long this year in some ways. In other ways, I can hardly believe March is on the way out. I have not accomplished all the winter projects that are still piled in the sewing room and in my mind. I feel as though I have "wasted" a whole lot of time these last months. Not easy to release this need to "accomplish" and "perform". On that note, I better move from this spot and actually "do" something.

Spring is coming..........

Confession

2009-03-16T16:06:00.000-06:00

Truthfully, the main reason for posting the sunrise picture was to see if I could! I am so very inept at all this stuff! So I wondered......

I have a story that I have written about my Dad and wanted to put it into a post. Do you think I can get it there? I sat here and pulled and pushed and moved and changed..... all I could manage was a picture. If I had typed the story from a paper I could have had it done in all the time I spent trying to move it on the computer where I wanted it. My technical source, my son, would help I know but I try not to pester with these petty things.

Ah, well, a picture is worth a thousand words I have heard. It is just that the picture does not relate to the words I wanted to post!

Maybe another time......

Sunrise in February

2009-03-06T10:10:00.000-07:00

Books

2009-02-10T15:50:00.001-07:00

I recently checked a blog about books the author read in 2008. Hmmmm... guess he isn't my kind of reference point for reading material. Don't really enjoy hearing someone 'trash' a book like "The Shack" which was meant to be a metaphor (direct quote from Paul Young). This critic treated it like it was supposed to be theology or that is how it came across to me.....

So what am I reading that I would recommend? While on a vacation with my best friend I read

"The Undertaking" by Thomas Lynch. It is what the title implies, the story of an undertaker. Many life observations, well, also some death observations.

"Traveling Mercies" by Anne Lamott. This is not your usual "conversion" story but I found it so very honest and real. I wonder if we could be that honest in church, with other people if some barriers might be broken re: Christian.

"The Sacred Journey" by Fredrick Buechner. Someone told me that Buechner says his writings are too liberal to be accepted by evangelicals and too conservative to be accepted by liberals. He is quite scholarly in some of his writings and I get a little lost. But he has been a professor at huge universities so that might explain some of his writings. But this book is a autobiography and again, is honest. I enjoyed the read.

"What is the What" by Dave Eggers. This is a novel/biography of the Lost Boys from Sudan. It is a heart breaking story but I am so glad I am reading it. I have heard bits and pieces about Africa over the years but I have no idea of the lives, the stories, the pain, the cruelty. I see why people wonder if there is a God, where He might be, why does He allow what happens..... And where is the justice, the governments of the western world? It hurts to read this but I am glad I am reading it. This one takes time.....

Thanks to my Middle Son for loaning these books to me. I enjoy most of his recommendations!

And I am thankful for the time to read. I have come to realize these last few days that the whole last year has been rather "tough" and that slowly I am seeing the light in the dark places and seeing how much the physical well being affects the rest!

May I continue to learn.......

Time

2008-11-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

We measure time in minutes, hours, days, etc...... I wonder how God views time or does He? Why would He?

But speaking of time..... much of it has passed since the last entry. It doesn't mean life is standing still. But neither has it all been doom and gloom like I reported the last time.

I miss my mother-in-law more as time passes. I realize how I think back to life with her a year ago, to the good times, the good visits. Yes, things were starting to get a bit rough but I have been remembering the good.

Life also took on a different flavor when my sister who is 8 years older than me moved back to Alberta from the good ole' USA! She is glad to be back!

We haven't spent a whole lot of time together for about 40 years. Yes, we visited on the phone, we saw each other off and on but this has been a month together and I am finding my way. I had a severe 'little sister complex' for so many years and it is reassuring to know that I have found out that I can live without her stamp of approval on everything I think or do.

So time passes and I learn and so want to keep learning. I want to grow to be who I am intended to be but realize that continues to be a life-long process. I just don't want to get into a rut and end up being "stead fast and unmovable". I realize that can be a good thing but I am suspicious that the older I get it can also been pretty obnoxious!

The sunset was amazing once again, another day is over, more time has passed.......

the blahs

2008-10-01T13:07:00.000-06:00

I recall the days from grade school, junior and senior high. It happened again in college and I watched it happen to our kids as they progressed through school. But I wasn't prepared for a case of the sunday evening blahs, the monday morning blahs that lasted all monday this last weekend.

It was a super weekend with 3 of the 6 kids and 2 or the 7 grandchildren. I had been fearful of the chaos that I thought would be created by the annual"fly-in breakfast". That went so smoothly, without a whole lot of pressure. The whole weekend was just "good", I don't know how else to describe it.

Within an hour after the family drove away I had this dread, heaviness, sadness, ache inside me. I was lonely, sad, grumpy, empty...... and I retreated into a quiet shell.

So what was that all about? How can I prevent another attack? Maybe I just accept it, live it and learn to let it go..... but I am a Grandma for heaven's sake. Am I not supposed to be mature enough to not let the monday blahs ruin my day? Will I ever 'grow up'?

Oh, well. Now it is wednesday and I am no longer grumpy but I still have remnants of monday hanging around my heart......

it's a-comin'!

2008-08-16T21:10:00.001-06:00

Being the eternal pessimist..... I start bemoaning the fact that the days are getting shorter once June 22 hits! And now look at it! The sun is setting way too early, the crops are ripening, there are a few leaves hitting the ground in their yellow color. And I am telling you, winter is coming! Okay, I am in a bit of a funk and then everything turns brown, yellow, dark and cold.....

At least the temperature is not indicating that winter is coming. I don't have babies to keep content in the heat, to get to sleep when it is still 30 in the house. Since I really have a strong distaste for cold I will not complain about the heat even when I can't sleep. Mind you, I can sleep most any time!

So prepare yourself, because winter is coming! Yikes!

Pride

2008-07-21T11:24:00.001-06:00

I know that "pride" is not always this evil, horrid thing to avoid at all cost. I am proud of our kids, our grandkids. I take pride in working in our yard, cutting grass, killing weeds. But I also have noticed a subtle pride. When I think or say "I want God to be glorified in this circumstance...." whatever it might be, I am saying "I want people to notice what a good person I am. I want people to see what a good Christian I am". Someone pointed out to me that the tiny wild flowers on the mountains that no one ever sees 'glorify' God. I think the birds that are in our yard, the ones that I don't always take time to notice 'glorify' God. The more secure I become in knowing who I am, whose I am the more I realize that if no one ever sees or notices or cares about what I do, about who I am, I glorify God. Not because of "me" but because of Jesus in me. And in that freedom of letting Jesus 'live' in me, I become more 'who I am '. I am not thinking so much about 'what do people think'. As in all my thoughts, this is a journey, a process that is far from complete! But I am not as defeated by the failures as I once was. I know that this is another portion of the 'journey'.

Sort of going 'round the mulberry bush but these thoughts have encouraged me this morning.

I am learning....

2008-07-18T11:16:00.003-06:00

It is over 35 years and I am learning more about marriage.....

The longer we are married the better it is... no, I didn't say it was 'perfect' and that we don't have to work at our relationship. But it is good.

I am learning that marriage is just that: good. There is much to celebrate, to enjoy and that is where I want to focus. In our 'efforts' to help people see the seriousness of marriage I think we have forgotten to encourage the good in marriage, the 'good' that we can celebrate.

The longer I am married the more I want to please, help, build up, love this Man! I am learning (please note I said 'learning'!) to put him ahead of myself. I am basically selfish..... but some of the things that I have, in the past, thought were so important really amount to a pile of rubbish!

In the last weeks as I have thought about these things, I have also thought about God and how He compares marriage to relationship to Him. I am seeing how some of these things I am observing about my marriage also apply to my relationship with God.....

I know many people have eloquently written about marriage and about relationship with God. I know I am not eloquent but I also know that no one, nothing can take away my experience and for that I give thanks!

A process

2008-07-03T20:45:00.000-06:00

What has taken place over the last few weeks is no different from what hundreds of others face every day but death is still personal and death is always an intrusion. No matter how one "prepares" for the inevitable one is never totally "prepared". I wouldn't trade those last weeks, as hard as they were, for anything. It was a privilege to spend time with my dear mother-in-law. It wasn't easy to see her suffer, get weak, become so dependent but I learned from her as I watched and listened. I learned about life, death, God and faith. I observed in Mom as I did in my own Dad that we are never done learning, never done growing while we breathe the air of this world. And that challenges me. I suppose there is the choice to quit learning, growing, loving and living but those two didn't and I am thankful for their example.

And now I, we, are in the process of grieving. Grieving is personal too and I don't believe there is a set way or time frame for grief. I do know that I have been so very weary and have felt as though my brain is in a fog. It is two weeks today and finally I am starting to believe I will come out of this! Bless my dear husband for his compassion and understanding as he copes with his own grief.

Friends

2008-06-17T10:56:00.000-06:00

I don't think I try to be independent. I know I am stubborn and yes, independent but when life gets heavy I don't usually ask for 'help'. I seem to just 'muddle' my way through stuff and cope. At one time I probably was a 'needy' individual who used my problems to get the sympathy of close friends. Maybe I am reacting to that. Maybe I have learned to cope better.

But recently I have realized my need for those friends who offer true friendship. When I can call and ask to come for tea, when a friend meets me in the grocery store, sees the distress and says "come for tea", when a friend makes 'just the right strength' Ethiopian blend of coffee, then I realize how much I need my friends. It wasn't that I had to unload all the happenings of life but the acceptance and the sharing of the load all contributed to the tension lifting and the freedom returning.

"Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person...." is a line from a poem that I heard years ago and often think about.

Thank you, my friends!

poem by 14th century poet...

2008-05-26T10:19:00.000-06:00

The sun never says:

Even

After

All this time

The sun never says to the earth

"You owe

Me"

Look

What happens

With a love like that

It lights the

Whole

Sky.

restless....

2008-05-23T13:10:00.001-06:00

There is this restlessness going on, can't quite pin it down, churning inside, roaming the kitchen for chocolate..... It probably has something to do with Mom, my dear Mother-in-law, lying in that hospital bed. Should I be going to see her? Is she having a good day? Is she thinking clearly today? When will she be in heaven? Why does it seem so harsh to say, "when will she die"?

I think our society chooses to avoid the reality of death when we say 'go to heaven, passes away, moves on, leaves this earth'. But maybe it is just a more gentle and kinder way of dealing with the reality of death.

In talking with people lately, I am realizing that no matter how prepared we are for someones' death, we are never prepared. It is always an intrusion, an inconvenience. It throws everything about ordinary life into a total upheaval. One friend, whose Mom just died, also said that upheaval is a 'good' thing. It makes us stop, think, evaluate and deal with life.

It can do that or we can choose to ignore reality and push it all aside. Our minds are frightful things when left to their own wanderings.

I remember a friend praying that someone would 'grieve well' and I am coming to understand the need and the good in grieving and grieving well.

Death is reality, death is part of life.

I guess the restlessness is part of life too and how do I choose to deal with it?

I think it helps me to actually put into words some of these thoughts.....

is this faith?

2008-04-30T12:51:00.000-06:00

There are days when I feel a bit like a little kid learning to ride my bike. The training wheels have been taken off and as I pedal down the road, the hands that were on the back of the bike or on my shoulders seem to have been taken away. It is feeling scary, lonely and the bike is going too fast. If I look around I probably will see my Father watching out for me but right now it feels like it is all I can do to keep my eyes on the road ahead.

Maybe this is where faith takes place.

watching or walking

2008-04-21T14:03:00.000-06:00

So which is more difficult, making the journey myself or watching people on the journey?

I think of Dad who died 20 days short of 95 years. His body was so frail, I could hardly understand what he was trying to say but I knew his mind was alert. It was painful to visit at the nursing home once a week. I usually sat in the parking lot and cried before I started the trip home. Yet I was thankful for those years as my Dad became my friend. His no emotion Danish character became tender and gentle, his heart changed and that encouraged me that the journey lasts until the last breath.

Now Ron's Mom fights, no, lives with cancer. She went through surgery once and when the cancer returned she said, 'not again'. And so she waits and consumes more and more pain killers to cope with the incredible pain. We watch as she deals with the whole dying process and as she encourages others, emails, phones and writes to family and friends. She continues to journey.

When our kids were little we could 'guide' the journey, in other words, tell them what to do! It wasn't long before that didn't really work! And then it became apparent that they were old enough to decide for themselves. But it is so hard to butt out at times! I still want to 'share my wisdom'! Ha! I remember hearing how Cory Esau had told his mother "you are not my Holy Spirit". I haven't forgotten that....... but I realize I still try to be...

So back to my question, is it harder to journey or to watch others on the journey? I am not sure.... maybe the watching is just another part of my own journey and I learn there too........

thinking....

2008-04-16T07:52:00.000-06:00

Seems like a bit of a weird title, 'learning to journey' but in the last 8 or so years I have finally realized how much 'journey' there is to life. I spent so much time reading books, listening to speakers, following people's ideas. I am not totally fond of cute-ish sayings but I do like the one of life being a journey, not a destination. And so I continue to learn to like myself, life and God. I am learning to not fear people, myself, life and God. It is a process, a journey but it is good and I will continue to learn. I know I will continue to stumble, fall flat on my face at times but even in those times I am learning to journey and to believe it is okay.

The journey is good.

yikes again!

2008-04-14T08:09:00.000-06:00

so much for blogging! I am having quite a time getting going.....

I deleted the wrong blog after realizing I had started two. Oh, my!

This is definitely a "journey", one that I am not sure I should be trying. I will give this another try and see if I can do it. Actually, maybe I can be encouraged that I did figure this out on my own, maybe that in itself is a positive. I do tend to just 'give up' and decide that 'I didn't really want to learn this anyway'. So, hey, just publish this, Grandma, and give it another shot! And in the meantime, get on with the day and enjoy the journey!