Thinking....

Somehow I grew up being suspicious.  Suspicious of other denominations of churches, "other" political parties, other nationalities.  The church we went to was a small, non-denominational mish-mash of believers but..... somehow I "knew" that "we" had the corner on "truth".  As an adult when I voted a protest vote for a party other than the "right" one I remember a sense of guilt as though I had somehow "sinned"!  My parents were immigrants from Denmark so they did not pass on a superiority about nationalities and yet.......

Where this all came from I am not sure.  I don't remember my parents telling me what to believe and telling me who was right or wrong.  I keep mulling all this over in my mind, wondering where this kind of belief system comes from and I wonder if it is from not thinking.

When I don't think for myself, just believe what I hear, what I am told , what the "experts" say then I get swallowed up in all sorts of half truths and untruths.  I do think my parents felt a sense of inferiority because of their lack of education in this country and then relied on the knowledge of the "experts", didn't allow themselves to question. That included all sorts of people: doctors, our school teachers, the "right" preachers who followed the "truth".  But as I look back, my Mom was a bit of a rebel inside.  That side didn't show itself very often but I heard hints of it here and there and an thankful for her understanding as I grew up.

Move ahead to life as a parent.  I read so many books, tried to follow the advice of "experts".  It depressed me!  I couldn't measure up!  One of the last books I read on parenting was something like "A Mother's Heart".  That was when it began to dawn on me that maybe that was the key to parenting, from the life within me.  I asked God one time (never expecting an answer!!) "why did you make me a mother?"  In my mind I did get an answer, one I will never forget..... "that is the only way you will learn to depend on me".  That was probably a baby step in heading towards believing that I actually could depend on God, that I didn't have to just "try harder".

As the parenting progressed and these kids began to ask questions for themselves I think I started to allow myself to think too. (sometimes I wonder if I learned more from my kids than they learned from me!)  But it is probably only in the last ten years or so that I have really allowed myself to question and then live with the possibility of either no answers or answers that don't fit all that I thought I believed.  

I started reading a book a couple of years ago and put it down because it certainly did not fit with the theology I was taught.  Somehow I was afraid to keep reading.  I read it this spring and realized again how narrow I can be.  I also realized that I have limited God in so, so many ways.  Did I really think I would somehow be "damned" for reading a book?  Where is my faith anyway?  In someone's opinion or in God?  Sometimes I get so discouraged with myself and my brain and my faith and my attitudes and........

Maybe I should just go spray some weeds and plant some bulbs.

I remember son #1 saying one time that he was thinking so much and his head hurt, not a head ache but it just hurt.  That hasn't happened to me very often but recently I have been having head hurts and I think I understand.  

Then I wonder why on earth would I put these thoughts out there for other people to read?  I may hit delete and then again I may not!  'Cause what does it matter anyway.....