is this faith?

There are days when I feel a bit like a little kid learning to ride my bike.  The training wheels have been taken off and as I pedal down the road, the hands that were on the back of the bike or on my shoulders seem to have been taken away.  It is feeling scary, lonely and the bike is going too fast.  If I look around I probably will see my Father watching out for me but right now it feels like it is all I can do to keep my eyes on the road ahead.

Maybe this is where faith takes place.

watching or walking

So which is more difficult, making the journey myself or watching people on the journey?

I think of Dad who died 20 days short of 95 years.  His body was so frail, I could hardly understand what he was trying to say but I knew his mind was alert.  It was painful to visit at the nursing home once a week.  I usually sat in the parking lot and cried before I started the trip home.  Yet I was thankful for those years as my Dad became my friend.  His no emotion Danish character became tender and gentle, his heart changed and that encouraged me that the journey lasts until the last breath.

Now Ron's Mom fights, no, lives with cancer.  She went through surgery once and when the cancer returned she said, 'not again'.  And so she waits and consumes more and more pain killers to cope with the incredible pain.  We watch as she deals with the whole dying process and as she encourages others, emails, phones and writes to family and friends.  She continues to journey.

When our kids were little we could 'guide' the journey, in other words, tell them what to do!  It wasn't long before that didn't really work!  And then it became apparent that they were old enough to decide for themselves.  But it is so hard to butt out at times!  I still want to 'share my wisdom'! Ha!   I remember hearing how Cory Esau had told his mother "you are not my Holy Spirit".  I haven't forgotten that....... but I realize I still try to be...

So back to my question, is it harder to journey or to watch others on the journey?  I am not sure.... maybe the watching is just another part of my own journey and I learn there too........

thinking....

Seems like a bit of  a weird title, 'learning to journey' but in the last 8 or so years I have finally realized how much 'journey' there is to life.  I spent so much time reading books, listening to speakers, following people's ideas.  I am not totally fond of cute-ish sayings but I do like the one of life being a journey, not a destination.  And so I continue to learn to like myself, life and God.  I am learning to not fear people, myself, life and God.   It is a process, a journey but it is good and I will continue to learn.  I know I will continue to stumble, fall flat on my face at times but even in those times I am learning to journey and to believe it is okay.

The journey is good.

yikes again!

so much for blogging!  I am having quite a time getting going.....

I deleted the wrong blog after realizing I had started two.  Oh, my!

This is definitely a "journey", one that I am not sure I should be trying.  I will give this another try and see if I can do it.  Actually, maybe I can be encouraged that I did figure this out on my own, maybe that in itself is a positive.  I do tend to just 'give up' and decide that 'I didn't really want to learn this anyway'.  So, hey, just publish this, Grandma, and give it another shot!  And in the meantime, get on with the day and enjoy the journey!