Monday, April 21, 2008

watching or walking

So which is more difficult, making the journey myself or watching people on the journey?
I think of Dad who died 20 days short of 95 years.  His body was so frail, I could hardly understand what he was trying to say but I knew his mind was alert.  It was painful to visit at the nursing home once a week.  I usually sat in the parking lot and cried before I started the trip home.  Yet I was thankful for those years as my Dad became my friend.  His no emotion Danish character became tender and gentle, his heart changed and that encouraged me that the journey lasts until the last breath.
Now Ron's Mom fights, no, lives with cancer.  She went through surgery once and when the cancer returned she said, 'not again'.  And so she waits and consumes more and more pain killers to cope with the incredible pain.  We watch as she deals with the whole dying process and as she encourages others, emails, phones and writes to family and friends.  She continues to journey.
When our kids were little we could 'guide' the journey, in other words, tell them what to do!  It wasn't long before that didn't really work!  And then it became apparent that they were old enough to decide for themselves.  But it is so hard to butt out at times!  I still want to 'share my wisdom'! Ha!   I remember hearing how Cory Esau had told his mother "you are not my Holy Spirit".  I haven't forgotten that....... but I realize I still try to be...
So back to my question, is it harder to journey or to watch others on the journey?  I am not sure.... maybe the watching is just another part of my own journey and I learn there too........

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