Pride

I know that "pride" is not always this evil, horrid thing to avoid at all cost.  I am proud of our kids, our grandkids.  I take pride in working in our yard, cutting grass, killing weeds.  But I also have noticed a subtle pride.  When I think or say "I want God to be glorified in this circumstance...." whatever it might be, I am saying "I want people to notice what a good person I am.  I want people to see what a good Christian I am".  Someone pointed out to me that the tiny wild flowers on the mountains that no one ever sees 'glorify' God.  I think the birds that are in our yard, the ones that I don't always take time to notice 'glorify' God.  The more secure I become in knowing who I am, whose I am the more I realize that if no one ever sees or notices or cares about what I do, about who I am, I glorify God.  Not because of "me" but because of Jesus in me.  And in that freedom of letting Jesus 'live' in me, I become more 'who I am '. I am not thinking so much about 'what do people think'.  As in all my thoughts, this is a journey, a process that is far from complete!  But I am not as defeated by the failures as I once was.  I know that this is another portion of the 'journey'.

Sort of going 'round the mulberry bush but these thoughts have encouraged me this morning.

I am learning....

It is over 35 years and I am learning more about marriage.....

The longer we are married the better it is... no, I didn't say it was 'perfect' and that we don't have to work at our relationship.  But it is good.  

I am learning that marriage is just that: good.  There is much to celebrate, to enjoy and that is where I want to focus.  In our 'efforts' to help people see the seriousness of marriage I think we have forgotten to encourage the good in marriage, the 'good' that we can celebrate.

The longer I am married the more I want to please, help, build up, love this Man!  I am learning (please note I said 'learning'!) to put him ahead of myself.  I am basically selfish..... but some of the things that I have, in the past, thought were so important really amount to a pile of rubbish!

In the last weeks as I have thought about these things, I have also thought about God and how He compares marriage to relationship to Him.  I am seeing how some of these things I am observing about my marriage also apply to my relationship with God.....

I know many people have eloquently written about marriage and about relationship with God. I know I am not eloquent but I also know that no one, nothing can take away my experience and for that I give thanks!

A process

What has taken place over the last few weeks is no different from what hundreds of others face every day but death is still personal and death is always an intrusion.  No matter how one "prepares" for the inevitable one is never totally "prepared".  I wouldn't trade those last weeks, as hard as they were, for anything.  It was a privilege to spend time with my dear mother-in-law.  It wasn't easy to see her suffer, get weak, become so dependent but I learned from her as I watched and listened.  I learned about life, death, God and faith. I observed in Mom as I did in my own Dad that  we are never done learning, never done growing while we breathe the air of this world.  And that challenges me. I suppose there is the choice to quit learning, growing, loving and living but those two didn't and I am thankful for their example.

And now I, we, are in the process of grieving.  Grieving is personal too and I don't believe there is a set way or time frame for grief.  I do know that I have been so very weary and have felt as though my brain is in a fog.  It is two weeks today and finally  I am starting to believe I will come out of this!  Bless my dear husband for his compassion and understanding as he copes with his own grief.