Time

We measure time in minutes, hours, days, etc...... I wonder how God views time or does He?  Why would He?

But speaking of time..... much of it has passed since the last entry.  It doesn't mean life is standing still. But neither has it all been doom and gloom like I reported the last time.

I miss my mother-in-law more as time passes.  I realize how I think back to life with her a year ago, to the good times, the good visits.  Yes, things were starting to get a bit rough but I have been remembering the good.

Life also took on a different flavor when my sister who is 8 years older than me moved back to Alberta from the good ole' USA!  She is glad to be back!  

We haven't spent a whole lot of time together for about 40 years.  Yes, we visited on the phone, we saw each other off and on but this has been a month together and I am finding my way.  I had a severe 'little sister complex' for so many years and it is reassuring to know that I have found out that I can live without her stamp of approval on everything I think or do.  

So time passes and I learn and so want to keep learning.  I want to grow to be who I am intended to be but realize that continues to be a life-long process.  I just don't want to get into a rut and end up being "stead fast and unmovable".  I realize that can be a good thing but I am suspicious that the older I get  it can also been pretty obnoxious!

The sunset was amazing once again, another day is over, more time has passed.......

the blahs

I recall the days from grade school, junior and senior high.  It happened again in college and I watched it happen to our kids as they progressed through school.  But I wasn't prepared for a case of the sunday evening blahs, the monday morning blahs that lasted all monday this last weekend.

It was a super weekend with 3 of the 6 kids and 2 or the 7 grandchildren.  I had been fearful of the chaos that I thought would be created by the annual"fly-in breakfast".  That went so smoothly, without a whole lot of pressure.  The whole weekend was just "good", I don't know how else to describe it.

Within an hour after the family drove away I had this dread, heaviness, sadness, ache inside me.  I was lonely, sad, grumpy, empty...... and I retreated into a quiet shell.

So what was that all about?  How can I prevent another attack?  Maybe I just accept it, live it and learn to let it go..... but I am a Grandma for heaven's sake.  Am I not supposed to be mature enough to not let the monday blahs ruin my day?  Will I ever 'grow up'?

Oh, well. Now it is wednesday and I am no longer grumpy but I still have remnants of monday hanging around my heart......

it's a-comin'!

Being the eternal pessimist..... I start bemoaning the fact that the days are getting shorter once June 22 hits!  And now look at it!  The sun is setting way too early, the crops are ripening, there are a few leaves hitting the ground in their yellow color.  And I am telling you, winter is coming! Okay, I am in a bit of a funk and then everything turns brown, yellow, dark and cold..... 

At least the temperature is not indicating that winter is coming.  I don't have babies to keep content in the heat, to get to sleep when it is still 30 in the house.  Since I really have a strong distaste for cold I will not complain about the heat even when I can't sleep.  Mind you, I can sleep most any time!

So prepare yourself, because winter is coming! Yikes!

Pride

I know that "pride" is not always this evil, horrid thing to avoid at all cost.  I am proud of our kids, our grandkids.  I take pride in working in our yard, cutting grass, killing weeds.  But I also have noticed a subtle pride.  When I think or say "I want God to be glorified in this circumstance...." whatever it might be, I am saying "I want people to notice what a good person I am.  I want people to see what a good Christian I am".  Someone pointed out to me that the tiny wild flowers on the mountains that no one ever sees 'glorify' God.  I think the birds that are in our yard, the ones that I don't always take time to notice 'glorify' God.  The more secure I become in knowing who I am, whose I am the more I realize that if no one ever sees or notices or cares about what I do, about who I am, I glorify God.  Not because of "me" but because of Jesus in me.  And in that freedom of letting Jesus 'live' in me, I become more 'who I am '. I am not thinking so much about 'what do people think'.  As in all my thoughts, this is a journey, a process that is far from complete!  But I am not as defeated by the failures as I once was.  I know that this is another portion of the 'journey'.

Sort of going 'round the mulberry bush but these thoughts have encouraged me this morning.

I am learning....

It is over 35 years and I am learning more about marriage.....

The longer we are married the better it is... no, I didn't say it was 'perfect' and that we don't have to work at our relationship.  But it is good.  

I am learning that marriage is just that: good.  There is much to celebrate, to enjoy and that is where I want to focus.  In our 'efforts' to help people see the seriousness of marriage I think we have forgotten to encourage the good in marriage, the 'good' that we can celebrate.

The longer I am married the more I want to please, help, build up, love this Man!  I am learning (please note I said 'learning'!) to put him ahead of myself.  I am basically selfish..... but some of the things that I have, in the past, thought were so important really amount to a pile of rubbish!

In the last weeks as I have thought about these things, I have also thought about God and how He compares marriage to relationship to Him.  I am seeing how some of these things I am observing about my marriage also apply to my relationship with God.....

I know many people have eloquently written about marriage and about relationship with God. I know I am not eloquent but I also know that no one, nothing can take away my experience and for that I give thanks!

A process

What has taken place over the last few weeks is no different from what hundreds of others face every day but death is still personal and death is always an intrusion.  No matter how one "prepares" for the inevitable one is never totally "prepared".  I wouldn't trade those last weeks, as hard as they were, for anything.  It was a privilege to spend time with my dear mother-in-law.  It wasn't easy to see her suffer, get weak, become so dependent but I learned from her as I watched and listened.  I learned about life, death, God and faith. I observed in Mom as I did in my own Dad that  we are never done learning, never done growing while we breathe the air of this world.  And that challenges me. I suppose there is the choice to quit learning, growing, loving and living but those two didn't and I am thankful for their example.

And now I, we, are in the process of grieving.  Grieving is personal too and I don't believe there is a set way or time frame for grief.  I do know that I have been so very weary and have felt as though my brain is in a fog.  It is two weeks today and finally  I am starting to believe I will come out of this!  Bless my dear husband for his compassion and understanding as he copes with his own grief. 

Friends

I don't think I try to be independent.  I know I am stubborn and yes, independent but when life gets heavy I don't usually ask for 'help'.  I seem to just 'muddle' my way through stuff and cope.  At one time I probably was a 'needy' individual who used my problems to get the sympathy of close friends.  Maybe I am reacting to that.  Maybe I have learned to cope better.

But recently I have realized my need for those friends who offer true friendship.  When I can call and ask to come for tea, when a friend meets me in the grocery store, sees the distress and says "come for tea", when a friend makes 'just the right strength' Ethiopian blend of coffee, then I realize how much I need my friends.  It wasn't that I had to unload all the happenings of life but the acceptance and the sharing of the load all contributed to the tension lifting and the freedom returning.

"Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person...."  is a line from a poem that I heard years ago and often think about.

Thank you, my friends!

poem by 14th century poet...

The sun never says:

                                              Even

                                             After

                                     All this time

                    The sun never says to the earth

                                       "You owe

                                            Me"

                                            Look

                                  What happens 

                           With a love like that

                                    It lights the 

                                         Whole

                                            Sky.

restless....

There is this restlessness going on, can't quite pin it down, churning inside, roaming the kitchen for chocolate..... It probably has something to do with Mom, my dear Mother-in-law, lying in that hospital bed.  Should I be going to see her?  Is she having a good day? Is she thinking clearly today? When will she be in heaven? Why does it seem so harsh to say, "when will she die"?  

I think our society chooses to avoid the reality of death when we say 'go to heaven, passes away, moves on, leaves this earth'.  But maybe it is just a more gentle and kinder way of dealing with the reality of death.

In talking with people lately, I am realizing that no matter how prepared we are for someones' death, we are never prepared.  It is always an intrusion, an inconvenience.  It throws everything about ordinary life into a total upheaval.  One friend, whose Mom just died, also said that upheaval is a 'good' thing.  It makes us stop, think, evaluate and deal with life.  

It can do that or we can choose to ignore reality and push it all aside.  Our minds are frightful things when left to their own wanderings. 

I remember a friend praying that someone would 'grieve well' and I am coming to understand the need and the good in grieving and grieving well.

Death is reality, death is part of life.

I guess the restlessness is part of life too and how do I choose to deal with it?

I think it helps me to actually put into words some of these thoughts.....

is this faith?

There are days when I feel a bit like a little kid learning to ride my bike.  The training wheels have been taken off and as I pedal down the road, the hands that were on the back of the bike or on my shoulders seem to have been taken away.  It is feeling scary, lonely and the bike is going too fast.  If I look around I probably will see my Father watching out for me but right now it feels like it is all I can do to keep my eyes on the road ahead.

Maybe this is where faith takes place.

watching or walking

So which is more difficult, making the journey myself or watching people on the journey?

I think of Dad who died 20 days short of 95 years.  His body was so frail, I could hardly understand what he was trying to say but I knew his mind was alert.  It was painful to visit at the nursing home once a week.  I usually sat in the parking lot and cried before I started the trip home.  Yet I was thankful for those years as my Dad became my friend.  His no emotion Danish character became tender and gentle, his heart changed and that encouraged me that the journey lasts until the last breath.

Now Ron's Mom fights, no, lives with cancer.  She went through surgery once and when the cancer returned she said, 'not again'.  And so she waits and consumes more and more pain killers to cope with the incredible pain.  We watch as she deals with the whole dying process and as she encourages others, emails, phones and writes to family and friends.  She continues to journey.

When our kids were little we could 'guide' the journey, in other words, tell them what to do!  It wasn't long before that didn't really work!  And then it became apparent that they were old enough to decide for themselves.  But it is so hard to butt out at times!  I still want to 'share my wisdom'! Ha!   I remember hearing how Cory Esau had told his mother "you are not my Holy Spirit".  I haven't forgotten that....... but I realize I still try to be...

So back to my question, is it harder to journey or to watch others on the journey?  I am not sure.... maybe the watching is just another part of my own journey and I learn there too........

thinking....

Seems like a bit of  a weird title, 'learning to journey' but in the last 8 or so years I have finally realized how much 'journey' there is to life.  I spent so much time reading books, listening to speakers, following people's ideas.  I am not totally fond of cute-ish sayings but I do like the one of life being a journey, not a destination.  And so I continue to learn to like myself, life and God.  I am learning to not fear people, myself, life and God.   It is a process, a journey but it is good and I will continue to learn.  I know I will continue to stumble, fall flat on my face at times but even in those times I am learning to journey and to believe it is okay.

The journey is good.

yikes again!

so much for blogging!  I am having quite a time getting going.....

I deleted the wrong blog after realizing I had started two.  Oh, my!

This is definitely a "journey", one that I am not sure I should be trying.  I will give this another try and see if I can do it.  Actually, maybe I can be encouraged that I did figure this out on my own, maybe that in itself is a positive.  I do tend to just 'give up' and decide that 'I didn't really want to learn this anyway'.  So, hey, just publish this, Grandma, and give it another shot!  And in the meantime, get on with the day and enjoy the journey!