If you love me.....

"If you love me you will obey what I command." John 14:15

These words have haunted me and left me with a feeling of guilt for so many years.  Have you ever thought of your parents, your friends, your spouse in terms of "If you really loved me you would ______"?  That is how I read this verse and saw it as judgement, a condemnation.  My mind said "You don't love God very much.  You don't obey the commandments, the sermon on the mount, all the 'rules' that seem to apply to Christians."

I have come to see in recent years how frightfully wrong I have been, how I was reading this verse and others like it with a legalistic idea and mindset.

Firstly, I took the word "if" as conditional.  But  love for God is not a measuring stick, a scale to determine how righteous I am.  My love for God is rather puny in comparison with His love.  But I believe that my love, my faith, even if it is the size of a tiny seed comes from God in the first place.  I don't seem to be able to 'muster up' love or faith in my own strength.  Instead of the word "if" maybe "because" explains the verse more clearly.   I am coming to understand the desire, the ability to obey comes because I love God not proof that I love God.

Secondly, I read a translation of the latter part of the verse as:  "follow my teachings."  This was a contrast to what I had believed about the list of do's and don't's with which I had grown up.  I  had actually come to a place twelve or so years ago deciding  there was no way  I could live this 'Christian' life, that I could ever 'be' what I thought people expected from a 'Christian'.  But I was looking at man-made expectations and equating them to God's commandments.

It is so very much a work in process but I am learning (let me emphasis LEARNING) to listen to the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of God, and to obey what I believe God commands, to follow the teachings of Jesus.  When I first thought of 'what I command' as following Jesus' teachings, I also thought, "I can handle that".  Then it hit!  Wait a minute!  I can no more follow Jesus' teachings than I can successfully obey all the 'rules' I once thought I had to keep.  That is why I need a Saviour, why I need the Spirit of God in me to give me the capability to obey.

There is a freedom that comes with looking to God rather than myself or to other people.  Some days seem easier than others: some days, some hours, some minutes.  I guess it is a constant learning process that will only end in heaven some day.